Waste - what a load of rubbish

5 September 2008.

A US team has said that global sea levels are unlikely to rise by more than 2m by 2100. Perhaps this will stop the endless whinging about climate change and the environment.

As those living in East Anglia who will probably be submerged twenty years from now will tell you, people who rebuff the presence of global warming are about as disillusioned as those who deny the holocaust ever took place. But changes in global temperature and effects on our environment have always occurred. There was nothing humans could do to stave off the last ice age a few thousand years ago so why would changing to low energy lightbulbs make a difference now?

Instead of wasting money on all these stupid studies which pointlessly attempt to quantify the extent of the change, use the money to make a difference. Recent reports have identified that the methane produced by grazing cattle is contributing a vast proportion of greenhouse gas methane, leading to calls for cattle to be moved indoors or for “greener” farming methods.

These animals have been grazing for longer than a round of applause at a Nazi convention but no-one’s house was falling off a cliff owing to erosion from rising sea levels before. Yet the insinuation is that cattle with uncontrollable flatulence are the root of all evil. Instead of detailing the human effects it is a case of documenting any excuse which deflects the blame away from humans and, in particular, those producing the studies in their energy-guzzling hot tubs. French female armpits and political hot air must generate more greenhouse gases than poorly fed cattle. And I’m sure most people could point you in the direction of someone they have recently come in to contact with who produces more wind than Hurricane Gustav.

Britain has always been a stalling nation, however. Just look at the construction industry, where equivalent developments are finished everywhere else in the world by the time Usain Bolt’s run 100m, while British builders are so busy wolf-whistling the project ends up more overdue than Cliff Richard’s retirement. And elsewhere you get twice the quality for half the price.

Much like pregnancy seems to be the only instigator of a change in approach to promiscuity amongst teenagers, only war seems to stimulate a knee-jerk reaction in this country. With rising sea levels that scenario could well eventuate as a growing population has to battle over an ever-decreasing amount of land.

Of course, being Britain we wait for that eventuality to arise rather than staving it off in advance (the cure rather than prevention approach once again – see 2 September entry) as we arrogantly assume our tiny island’s military is more amply equipped than Jordan to overcome any attack – except now other countries have had decades to develop nuclear weapons while we disarm ours.

Meanwhile, Gordon Brown is now telling us that there is to be no winter fuel payment to help the suffering masses pay their rocketing bills because he doesn’t believe in short-term gimmicks, and that to ensure environmental sustainability a long-term approach to energy consumption is needed. What were the one year stamp duty holiday and the temporary 10% tax band u-turn? Indeed, the need for the latter was created by a gimmick of Tamagotchi or Pog proportions in the form of an imposition of a cut in the basic rate of income tax by 2% at his last budget just oh so conveniently before the general election which saw his elevation to Number 10.

Instead of offering help for the most environmentally friendly individuals, Gordon Brown has purely penalised the polluting, for instance through tax hikes for the most polluting vehicles, under the guise of helping the environment. These taxes are a bigger rip-off than Amy Winehouse’s hairdresser.

The reality is all these green taxes are due to the fall in Treasury revenue because of companies posting vast losses, unemployment, falling house prices, no-one being able to move house, and spending falling because of a reduction in disposable income as inflation rises.

Corporation tax, income tax, national insurance contributions, capital gains tax, stamp duty and VAT taken by the exchequer have all plummeted as a result, all directly correlated with the scuppering of our economy over the duration of the Labour administration.

Those of you now bemoaning tuition fees can all give yourself a pat on the back for enthusiastically voting this party into power eleven years ago (student loans and tuition fees were in their pre-1997 manifesto so for the endless batch of idiots who voted for Tony Blair because he was better looking than John Major or because you listened to the media and Labour spin doctors publishing their propaganda rather than looking at what might actually happen that affects you when a particular party gains political power you’ve only got yourselves to blame).

If he wanted to help the environment he would have considered better ways than to tax those using it left, right and centre:

1. Lewis Hamilton and friends should lead the way in F1. Ferrari have the money to pioneer new environmentally friendly cars, we don’t. If those with the money bothered to invest it in something worthwhile then those with smaller pockets can copy the new technology and roll it out universally. Indeed, the technology is there already to some degree but there is no temptation to adopt it for car manufacturers because it will hit their purse strings. An outright ban on petrol-powered vehicles by 2011 would certainly shake things up more violently than a tsunami in Indonesia, and ensure some changes ensue.

2. TV shows like Big Brother where notable challenges this series included forcing the contestants to eat virtually their bodyweight in brussel sprouts, spaghetti and a baguette need to set a better example. The participants never had a chance of completing it, therefore the task was merely a way of generating waste in return for some low-brow viewing for sadism lovers. What impetus do we have to use less and recycle more if our efforts are being undermined more blatantly than Kevin Keegan upon the appointment of Dennis Wise as Director of Football right in front of our eyes?

3. Convert the gym equipment used by our imprisoned degenerates into a generator for renewable electricity. At the very least it would generate enough energy such that the prison becomes self-sustaining so the taxpayer does not fund its power. If efficient enough, the criminals could generate enough to sell to energy companies, increasing supply, enabling cost reductions amongst the rest of us and reducing the UK’s carbon footprint. The criminals are then actually giving back to society, something unheard of at present (see 2 September entry).

4. Invest the money generated by these “green” taxes in green projects rather than in purchasing further military fleet. At the very least the revenue could be spent on improving the rail network or providing free bicycles where relevant so we would finally be left with a viable alternative to cars. Indeed, the very least the politicians responsible could do is stop hypocritically getting driven around in Jaguars themselves. Take the Olympics, for example, where the Government pondered how it could celebrate Britain’s success in Beijing. Of all the options available it opted for polluting open-topped bus tours.

At least David Cameron got on his bike so to speak – until it got stolen by a juvenile delinquent at the local supermarket. Instead of spending millions redeveloping St Pancras, relay track that was ripped apart a few decades ago more ruthlessly than African women’s genitalia and extend existing lines so that real coverage is available. People in places with no rail links are hardly asking for glamorous stations or 37 trains an hour – anything would be a start, and could also ultimately negate the need for buses if effectively managed.