As fraud as it's wrong

8 September 2008.

The plight was detailed today of a woman who died aged 83 after spending the last five years of her life forking out £50,000 to fraudsters pretending to have sizeable amounts of cash waiting for her in return for a small “administration” fee. This is a sad story indeed, and highlights a growing and seemingly uncontrollable problem of fraud in the UK.

The request for personal information every time you do anything online or over the telephone means you can barely buy a pint of milk without ubiquitous “corporate partners” being granted paid access to that same data instantaneously. Indeed, the publicising last week of a Lloyds TSB customer discovering that his password had been changed by some call centre skivvy without his knowledge is a prime exponent of the extent to which nothing is personal anymore and that our data is no longer in our own hands.

It is lucky he stayed with Lloyds TSB in the first place so if he wants to have a password which lambasts his bank then that is his prerogative and not up to some untrained peasant calling from a telephone in Bangalore. If I want my secret password which protects all of my most sensitive personal data to be Bankersarewankers or Goshagamarsupialyougreedytwats I should not need the permission of an institution which has proved capable recently only of losing billions of pounds.

But this problem with security breaches and fraud is not helped by the plethora of miscreants thicker than the walls of the steel cages they should be locked up in. These people from the Kerry Katona school of financial management, who would probably consume their own seminal fluid if told it has health benefits, make Orville look like Albert Einstein. Did you know ‘gullible’ has been removed from the dictionary? If you missed yesterday’s blog check back for instructions on how to collect the £87billion I’m giving to you in return for just a 50p postage fee.

If you have now checked back or answered in the positive to the question you will almost certainly ring an 0906 number when something arrives through your letterbox instructing you to do so to claim the £1million waiting for you. If the penny still hasn’t dropped you are more naïve than Max Mosley’s wife.

With that in mind, follow some real advice and not something printed on a shiny flier from an anonymous source and get your husband/wife/father/mother/son/daughter/third cousin twice removed to immediately close your bank account, cancel your credit card, put a blindfold on you, tie you up immovably and never let you even feed yourself again let alone be trusted with money.

A slight twinge of suspicion should resonate upon the receipt of an email which guarantees you larger breasts within two weeks of purchasing the advertised product, particularly when the recipient is male. There is a reason why penis enlargement pills are not available through the conventional channels and only over the internet at a knock-down rate – they are illegal, unapproved and, perhaps most importantly, they don’t bloody work.

Last week a study found spammers target email addresses which commence with certain letters of the alphabet. The tone of the investigation suggested an element of surprise when it unearthed that the most common letter of the alphabet S was targeted the most and letters like X and Q the least. How many Quincys and Xaviers reside in the UK to line the Abu Dhabi investor-sized pockets of these fraudsters Mr Investigator?

It is not the spammers who have the intelligence of my left scrotum. Let’s be honest if we had the skills to hack or be paid to find email addresses to send junk to we would probably all give up our day job. Next time investigate the myriad imbeciles with less going on upstairs than an impotent 93 year old leper to discover what it is that makes these plonkers disclose their complete bank details in response to the email from a random Nigerian offering a newly-discovered £93million inheritance.

What is worrying is how this problem seems to be so concentrated in the UK. It is hardly irrational to assume this vast practice must be continuing globally, but the endless reports which detail the extent of fraud seem to highlight a trait unique to the UK. Of course it is unreasonable to assume developing countries are likely to be targeted because, apart from the lack of computers, telephones and banking sector prevailing in these regions, the inhabitants of these nations are unlikely to be able to afford even the “modest” fee charged by the bogus operators.

But recent research has also suggested fraud victims are likely to reach a peak during the current economic downturn owing to financial desperation. This suggests it is in fact the poorest people that fall foul of financial fraud. Why, therefore, is Britain so culpable of being ripped off when it is richer than the majority of its associates? Is Britain the global gullible hub?

For those less astute with money, or who have been off with the fairies more than George Michael on Hampstead Heath, here are some tips on how to limit the potential for being stung worse than by a queen bee on Prozac:

1. If a form asks you for data, only fill in those boxes which are actually requisite. Just because the form has already asked you for your name, postcode and a contact telephone number does not mean you need to then enter your star sign, bra size, favourite sexual position, Weight Watchers membership number and most erotic fantasy.

2. If someone rings you up claiming to be calling on behalf of your mobile telephone provider tell them to take a hike and hang up the phone quicker than Mike Ashley consumes a pint. Do not stay on the line and tell them how your hubby took you for a Valentine’s Day medieval banquet or how you bought a great sex toy online at the weekend. You will then be barraged with further telephone calls, emails and post from associated companies enquiring whether you would like to purchase the latest multi-functional 27 inch dildo since it has recently become clear to them you have a large penchant for outlandish sex toys.

3. If an email arrives informing you that if you reply with your bank details a bank security breach will be alleviated or $83million will immediately be paid into your account, do not bash out more enthusiastically than a sex-starved man your name, address, telephone number, bank account number and sort code. Instead, consider why someone you’ve never heard of from a country you’ve probably never even heard of is offering you an incomprehensibly large sum of money in the wrong currency for free. Next, go outside, get in your car, hold down the accelerator and drive directly into the nearest lamppost for even opening the email from evg4aml377@xx4r4rgrr.com in the first place.

4. If an email is sent to your inbox with an attachment but no name or subject, do not open it faster than Lindsay Lohan does her legs. Instead, stop and think of all the people in your Outlook address book – and all the people in their contact lists, and so on – who you will be passing on the virus to quicker than an STD around a Glasgow council estate.