Xcruciating

26 August 2008.

Well hold me down and slap me with a kipper. Someone on X Factor made up their sob story in a pathetic attempt to get through the first audition. Even Mikey off Big Brother 9 could have seen that one coming, do we really need it as headline news that broadcast media has been faked?

Now I’m not someone who gets the chance to watch daytime television but even I can remember watching an early episode of Vanessa Feltz’s chat show (yes in the days before she married Phats and started appearing on every reality TV show going) and wondering exactly which council estate the actors had been drafted from and had a bottle of White Lightning dangled in their faces as remuneration, or how far off camera the ITV acting coach was whispering to each of them their lines. Similarly, anyone with the slightest sense that Jerry Springer isn't faked should think about why the show has bouncers. There's not going to be a fight for the 1800th show in a row is there?

Then there’s the farce that is the phone-in competitions. Anyone that is stupid enough to try and enter some of them deserves to be fined as much as the terrestrial stations responsible. For those that were never witness to one of these, a rough guide is ring in if you can tell me a four-letter word beginning with the letter A and you could win. An hour and thousands of £7.50 per second calls later, no-one’s guessed the word the show is looking for and they move on to the letter B. In some cases, they won’t even reveal this mysterious word they were looking for.

This is what those free scratchcards sent in the mail which say “You’re a winner. Dial xxx to discover your prize” have been doing for years. They're all about as believable as one of the girls found on Sky channels 900+ telling you that they want really want to get dirty with you.

All that any observer could possibly comment as a result of this and the Blue Peter scenario (producers giving the prize to a family member) is why didn’t I think of this first? Let’s be honest, you’re not hosting a competition out of the goodness of your heart, so why not rig the result to increase your margins. Why not make up a nauseating soliloquy to ensure passage ahead of your more talented peers on the X Factor? There's so many gullible invalids around there's a fortune to be had.

It’s irritating enough that half the acts appearing on the Xtraordinarily-bad Factor have to spill their miserable life stories just to make “good” TV. Why are these people any more deserving of a place in the next round than anyone else? I thought it was a talent contest with the best singers getting through, not a competition about who can produce the most tears and make up the most ridiculous tale about their torrid lives.

It was only a week prior that one featured lady reached the next stage after horrifying us all with her tale of getting on her back for the first time at the age of 13 (well getting her first bun in the oven - given her track record she probably opened her legs aged 9) and 4 pregnancies, more drugs than Balco, time in jail and three social services confiscations later she's decided to turn things around by singing to Louis Walsh. It's a sad society we live in when doing a short rendition of your favourite song is tantamount to a bribe for social services to return your nippers from their care.

Maybe if I audition and told Dermot “find me a show and I’ll be on it” O’Leary that I’d been sexually abused by one of the wolves I’d had my feral upbringing with because I was unable to defend myself due to being a Down’s syndrome-suffering midget who lost both arms and legs in a freak masturbating accident I’d be straight through to mentoring at Cheryl Cole’s house.

Apparently our young faker who wasn't actually brought up in a foster home after all merely wanted to show his real parents he "wasn't a waste of space". Go on ITV and cry your eyes out to the man with the highest waistband in television, yes that's a great way of proving it.