Stop submitting stupid surveys

28 August 2008.

Four separate studies have come to my attention today highlighting inequalities dependent upon where in Britain the citizen hails from.

The first study revealed five of Britain’s top six obesity hotspots are in Wales. No reasons were posited for this concentration, presumably because the study wanted to class all Welsh as fat and lazy. In reality, there are obvious reasons for this trend: The Government and big business only wishes to invest in the UK’s largest cities.

Cardiff, aside, you’ll have to drive miles rather than walk to get anywhere and do anything so exercise goes out the window. There’s not even a walk to a train station or bus stop because there’s about as much ploughed into public transport in Britain’s rural areas as there is a porn star with HIV.

Furthermore, with nothing to do what incentive is there to leave the house. The most exercise some people get in these areas is lifting the television remote to find another diet programme. These programmes are destructive in themselves, instructing their audience to try Atkins and stuff itself with nothing but fatty foods and then bringing out some size zero bikini-clad model to tell you it’s your fault for not being anorexic and not being unemployed so you can spend all day in the gym.

Apologies to those sniffing a Welsh-directed pun, but to ram home the point top of the pops in the obesity chart goes to the Shetland Islands – conceivably the most remote place in Britain. I’m not particularly criticising companies for not investing here, after all they’d be as likely to turn a profit in Shetland as the woman in the latest series of The Apprentice who thought it would be a good idea to introduce a personal account manager and 24-hour hotline for an overnight underwear laundry service.

On the theme of pants, the second study sought to establish discrepancies in driving test pass rates. What a waste of time and money which shows that a higher proportion of idiots in one part of the country over another are about as safe on the roads as a myopic hedgehog. Investigating something of this nature will only serve to let more potential white van men slip through the net rather than bring down the pass rate in areas with higher pass rates.

If there is a need to investigate something driving-related, survey how many inbred buffoons hog the middle or outside lane for absolutely no reason other than being completely devoid of consideration for their peers and too busy checking their lipstick is fully applied in their rear-view mirror to use it for its correct purpose. Making it an offence to hog lanes unnecessarily would reduce congestion, making Britain more efficient, thereby rendering the sums invested in the study worthwhile.

Or perhaps fund a study of how much fuel emissions are reduced by driving at 45mph than they are at 30. The Government is quick to discuss eco-driving, involving driving at 50mph rather than 70mph but carefully avoids disclosing that a usual rush hour speed of 2mph is far worse for the environment than driving at 90mph. Raise the speed limit in 20 and 30 zones and not only can emissions be reduced but once more congestion can be alleviated. But let’s be fair when has the Government reduced any “green” or “safety” measure which does anything except fund Treasury coffers.

It is rather worrying, however, that only one in three people in Rhyl pass their driving test. When these finally don a short skirt to get their certificate you won’t want to be stuck in rush hour there. If the first study’s to be believed, though, the reason is probably because they’re all too fat to see the windscreen over their moobs.

Study three looked into the effect of social factors and genetics on ill health and life expectancy. Once more the researchers have discovered something a six year old halfwit could have told us, namely that you’re going to live twice as long if born if Japan as those born in Lesotho.

Another example given was a boy living in the Glasgow suburb of Calton is likely to live 28 years less than a boy living in nearby affluent Lenzie. Another resounding endorsement of the Government in its futile efforts tackling UK inequality. Being able to afford food, clothing and decent quality housing away from crime means you’ll live longer – state the bleeding obvious.

Did they think people aspire to live in affluent areas so they can die earlier? Tell me if I’m wrong but could there just possibly be a slight chance that if I live in a box at the foot of a twenty-seven storey council estate, clad in nothing but a charity shop thong, consuming a diet consisting solely of a KFC bargain bucket, Bacardi 151 and intravenous drugs I won’t live beyond the age of 50?

The final study revealed Britain’s “happiest” places. Powys in Wales came out on top which goes to show in light of the previous studies either the Welsh are a remarkably resilient bunch, not letting their spirits be dampened by obesity more common than Russell Brand picking up an STD and being as talented behind the wheel as Maureen from Driving School, or one or all of these studies was/were an utter waste of time.

Manchester came second, which is probably linked to its inhabitants not all being morbidly overweight because they have the facilities to do some thing about it on their doorstep. Meanwhile, Edinburgh was bottom, which if its Scottish neighbours Calton’s suburbs are anything to go by can’t be much of a surprise. Who’s likely to be happy at the prospect of dying 28 years sooner than the majority of their UK peers?

The researchers in this study said the variations were not statistically significant. Well that’s as surprising as seeing Davina McCall hosting a television show. When a fellow study concomitantly being released shows district variations there aren’t going to be significant variations in your study if you’re going to analyse things on a city-by-city average basis.

Stop commissioning studies like these that are as big a waste of money as a Big Brother weekly challenge and develop some real ones. Aside from the aforementioned effect of driving more quickly on carbon emissions, I would:

1. Examine the effect of criminalising parental teaching on coitus and banning all things which connote sexual imagery and discussion, e.g. television, the internet and other media, advertising and education, on the UK’s teenage pregnancy rate.
2. Conduct a practical study which assesses how many child molestation victims would go through with the slow removal of their attackers’ penis using a Swiss army knife in a dark room where the paedophiles are detained in solitary confinement in a strait jacket if invited to do so by police.
3. Search for a defining correlation between walking around in groups, dressed in a fake Burberry cap, hoody and tracksuit bottoms and the number of burglaries at Matalan outlets.
4. Assess whether masturbation really is bad for you using the chances of causing blindness, repetitive strain injury and the like as evidence.
5. Investigate the link between being brought up on a farm and entering a life of bestiality as an adult.
6. Establish any relationship between letting people from less privileged and impoverished backgrounds with a good IQ into Oxbridge or employing them in decent jobs and productivity and quality of work.